I love my friends.. i seriously have never had this much fun in like forever! I am going to be their florida baby! and pizza.. i love pizza!!

<center>Florida.. where all my beaches are!!!</center>

it is decided.. I am getting my car sometime next week. i will work like a dog for the next couple of weeks.. then as soon as my sister &co. find a new place.. it's down to Florida I go. I am really excited that this is actually going to happen.. I have been saying that I want to get out of Mich. for the longest time.. (since, like, high school... early high school) and it's finally going to happen.. i have so much stuff.. packing is really going to be a bitch.. really.. but it doesnt matter, I am going HOME!!!! 

god i love jack johnsons voice..

so not sure if i am going to be moving to Florida as soon as I had hoped.. i dont know, though.. shit.. its so stressful thinking about this stuff.. i dont have enough money to move, get a car and go to school.. so.. what should i fucking do.. i need to break out of this house.. i need to be on my own.. at least out of my parents house..and if i move anywhere out of my house, its going to be to Florida...  but i dont want to get down there and go completely broke.. ahhhh

i need a smoke.. and maybe a drink also...

home.. a word that is supposed to be comforting and warm.."feels like home" "home sweet home" "home is where the heart is"....

not this time.. "home is somewhere far from here"..

i can still hear the rushing calm against the beach...cooling the sand and bringing down the fever that has been plaguing my heart the past few years... mind wanders over each and every hill that streches out into the horizon.. movement so graceful.. whispers so peaceful.. timing so perfect..   the warming sunlight pours over the clouds in moments. time yields to its entrance and seems to wait on the majestic rays like a servant. i am mesmerized in the glory ... breezes whip me into submission and my spirit flows out with the tide.. if there really was a heaven on earth, i imagine this is what it would be like.. and if home really is "where the heart is," then here is where i shall lie.

the sun is now below the horizon.. its farewell kisses left burning my skin. now time has nothing to wait for and takes advantage of me on my last night here. it will not even slow for the tears that have collected on my shirt collar. mind spins.. knowing home is just a few hours away now..

-unfinished--

i need a drink..

man-o-man, florida rocks.. all i have left is 3 more semesters at school.. then Im gone.. im so serious too.. i have had such a blast down here and i am dreading my long trip back.. ahh.. well, the good die young..

2 prescious days left.... :(

... it snowed today... urg....

mother-nature just loooooves fuckin with me....

bitch.

.. if I ever thought I would have turned out so hopeless.. maybe i would have stayed in the womb..

i dont know whats going on.. or whats making me feel this way.. maybe lack of sleep, the menstrual cycle my body insists i go through every month.. or maybe it's the gloomy days that have been haunting around lately.. but i really feel like i am done.. i dont feel i have many hopes, i dont have much motivation.. for anything.. i dont even have dreams anymore..

i just feel pointless.. like my existance is.. well, non-existant.. i dont want to kill myself (god no!) but.. i just dont really see my purpose for living..

god i sound pathetic.. wallowing in my so-called "sorrows"... urg.. what a frustrating position..

today.. I learned a little something about discipline.. this morning I awoke (after literally JUST falling asleep) to the screams of my little sister Kassidy.. Now she is 4 years old and is such a cute little kid.. but she has been soo spoiled .. it's really sick when I watch her get her way all the time.. and whenever i babysit, i use that time to enforce a little discipline..(no, Im not talking about beating her or torturing her or anything of that cruel nature) i dont let her get away with the devil's to-do list and I handle her accordingly. So back to this morning.. this child is screaming b/c mommy wont put a pony-tail in her hair.. ok, i know its early and she is cranky .. but seriously now! i listened from my bed to a whole 30 minutes of her screaming and my step-mom (who's only credit to parenting is fucking Home Ec. ) trying to control her.. and _every parents worst mistake_ scare her into submission by screaming right back.. Remember, Kassidy is at the rebellious age of 4... so i guess we can all be understanding..

Seriously, it bothers me so much how people dont know how to raise their children. I think it should be a requirement for all soon-to-be parents take a course in parenting: nurturing and discipline!

It's so ridiculous how my dad and stepmom treat these kids (oh, theres an older sibling, Kayla, whos 8 and and had a rough few years dealing with this same issue. But luckily for her, I babysat, pretty much every day while she was growing up.. so she is actually very disciplined.. (most of the time)) its just absurd..  You cannot let them walk all over you and then scream at them when they call you a rug.. I just want to tell them what they are doing so wrong.. but I cant.. that would be sticking my nose in it.. and I am hugely against that sort of thing.. I have my opinions you have yours.. but the moment you ask.. thats permission in my eyes!

ok im off to .. i dunno.. maybe i will smoke..

this is my niece.. she is--by far-- the cutest little kid I have ever seen! 10 more days until I get to see her again! i am so excited to see her and the rest of the clan! ... yay!

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y30/KillerBett y21x/Copyofgabrielle.jpg" title="http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y30/KillerBett y21x/Copyofgabrielle.jpg" target="_blank"http://i2.photobucket.com/alb...

so cute!

Yes!.. Im so fucking excited.. I finally figured out how to actually upload a sound (of mine) to the internet and use it on my blog! hell-yeah! I want it to play a song and have one of those mini controler things on the side of my blog so whoever (mostly me) can start it or stop it at will.. but there are problems with that: computer speed and.. i dont know how.. .. I think i am done for tonight though.. i have done way to much problem solving today. Work was long.. but not really that bad.. Yesterday sucked.. I had customer problems all day! it was fucking horrible. I think there was some weird cosmo-thing going on making everyone act like goddamn assholes.. definitely a growing trend at Blockbuster, though.. everyday there is someone new with some new problem.. fuck that shit.. "do I look like I have the power to chang corporate policy?? .. than why the fuck are you telling me this!!"

so frustrating..  someday, maybe I will work up the balls to actually say that to one very special, very asshole customer.. hmm.. someday...

hoooo man! tonight was great! After work I went over to Mikes apartment with James. We walk in and Steve's there too! And then they are talking about Halo 2(there weird gaming lives!) and they are playing Halo2 online against Terry! It was a fucking Blckbuster convention! I half expected Mark to come in with some fucking movies! .. that woulda been horrible.. never mind! ... yuck!

Anyway so its 5:08.. and I am still pretty fuckin high.. and i have to work tomorrow at 10 in the gd morning!.. fuck! and Steve told me he was going to call off--fuck that shit!.. well .. at least i am gone before it gets insanely busy.. saturday mornings are the fucking worst.. theres only 2 people working and its always with Jody! And all  Jody does is fucking sit on her ass and do absolutely nothing. and make stereotypical, ignorant, white trash remarks about people she doesnt know.. man, i need to do soemthing else.. my eyes are really buggin the shit out of me! ok

word up

today was pretty good.. i think..  well, I sold 4 movie passes at work (which like fucking demanding corprate approval in my boss' eyes) its feels good to be on his good side.. Im golden in his eyes.. well at least for the moment.. and that's all I need right now! ;)

My dad's approval, however, is a little more fleeting these days.. I know I am an adult and I don't need his approval to feel good about mysefl.. but something about trying to prove to him that I am responsible & show him that I am capable of being mature makes me feel like I wont actually be an adult until I do it... especially since I live with him.. so he sees all the childish/lazy-kid moments.. and focuses A LOT on that.

I love Incubis.. the song "just a Phase" is so great.. its really rhythmic and catchy.. and just fucking cool.. i love it.. I love all the songs on this cd..

I DLed the latest version of Windows Media Player, and I like it.. its really a step up from the last one.. I am starting to learn a lot more about websites and computer stuff.. it makes me feel good.. that I can get something.. and its cool, because I can see my results in seconds--see if I did it right and .. ah! it feels really good.. havent had a ton of web experience, so its nice to feel like I am at least starting to understand some of the basics of webdesign and whatnot.. I told my dad I would design a webpage for his band.. they already have a websight.. but its weird .. and not really set up well.. so that is going to be the next step in my learning process= learn how to set up a web page.. I am sure once school starts and I get the computer lab rights agaian I will be able to get a good start on it..

i was thinking about taking a webdesign class next semester.. goddamn, thats something else I am going to have to worry about .. school.. fucking schoolcraft is such a bastard.. them and their money-up-front policy.. thats so lame.. i cant wait to get my associates and get the fuck outta there.

i have been thinking a lot about school.. and what I want to go into.. I mean, I am going to finish my ass. for CGT.. but I still dont want to drop all the other things that I have always been interested in (and good at).. like writing and acting and fashion and psychology... I would love to be able to go into any one of those things.. maybe write for a newspaper.. or write novels maybe.. or become a theatre actor.. or start designing fashion or taking pictures or become a psychologist.. goddammit.. i hate getting into these rampages, I get all worked up and confused about what I want to do in my life.. and will I be good at it, or will I ever even be ABLE to do it.. hm.. maybe I shouldnt worry.. i need to just stay focussed on whats in front of me.. and just go with the flow..

take a breath.. alright.. lol..

LIST YOUR TOP 5 SOUNDTRACKS OF ALL TIME!!!!

MY LIST: (in alphabetical order)

1. Blow

2. Dazed and Confused

3. Moulin Rouge

4. Pulp Fiction

5.The Wedding Singer

Honorable Mention: Kill Bill Series

READY.........GO!

I have been listening to my new cds just about non-stop since I got them!.. the Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill Soundtracks... SO FUCKING AMAZING!! I am seriously in love with them.. I am waiting for my KB v2 soundtrack to come in the mail and then I have to get some more.. : TOP FIVE SOUNDTRACKS I NEED TO GET NEXT!

~Blow (fucking great soundtrack .. NEED IT)

~Resevoir Dogs

~Garden State

~Ray

~Without a Paddle

and... honorable mention goes to... :Motorcycle Diaries .. (just fucking beautiful)

Happy Birthday Alexis!

Hey!, I know we havent talked in a while, but I just wanted to say hello, and Happy 20th!omg, can you believe that shit?!

ok.. peace out! Have Fun!

ps: yeah I know its tomorrow.. just wanted to be early about it..(now, can you believe THAT!?)

I spent most of today sleeping--ONLY because I was up until this morning watching Sex and the City-- then I spent about 2 hours listening to my kid sister try to find something we could do together.. it took me forever to find something I wanted to do.. I have plenty of things I NEED to do.. and even more things I would LIKE to do.. but for some reason, I cant find the motivation to do the things I NEED to do, or the inspiration for the things I would LIKE to do.. I sat there for a long time thinking about what I felt like doing, and then I thought about why it was taking me so long to think of what I felt like doing.. and then why the hell I couldnt just think of something and do it...  why the fuck is this always where I end up? hah.. oh, well.. I'm sure I will get out of this funk I am in eventually... last night before I went upstairs to watch SC, I thought a little about this motivation/procrastinatio n problem I have.. and I was thinking about how I always have had big plans for my future and have all these fantasies about what I will be doing with my life years down the road.. but every time I procrastinate and push things off til "later" I am also pushing back my hopes for future plans.. so here is a little quote for all my fellow unmotivated, procrastinaters:

"There is no future, if you waste the present.." .. it's simple.. but I think it means a lot to people who think like me... well it certainly does for me anyway.. I just have to let it soak in I guess.. lol.. ok well Im out for tonight

... I need to get motivated real quick.. why is it that I am forever putting things off.. I imagine that most people find themselves doing this from time to time--but why do I always find myself here: pathetically trying to balance on the thin line between "plenty of time" and "too late!"  I honestly don't understand why I can't motivate myself to start on something before I have no time to finish it.. It's not like I dont know any better..God knows I have sat in on that lesson enough times to learn something from it.. but still, I cant seem to get "off my ass" and do it-Get it done and out of the way!..  I have tried structuring myself-and that helps. I can usually hold a good sturdy structure for a day or two.. (I have even been known to hold onto a week of structure! Impressive, I know!) BUt no matter how many times I structure.. and re-structure my life, I still find myself back in my old messy ways.. maybe I should just smoke on it.. maybe something will come to me in a cloud of djarum smoke.. hehe.. maybe not, but its about that time anyway, so.. might as well try!!